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| English Humour
A member of the faculty of a London medical college was chosen to be honorary physician to the Queen. Proud of his appointment, he wrote a note on the blackboard in his classroom: "Beginning next month I will be honorary physician to Queen Elizabeth". The next day when the professor returned to the classroom, he found the following line written below his notice: "God save the Queen". Celibate or Celebrate A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk said, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong. 'The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!' sobbed the head monk. A stewardess encountered a blonde sitting in the first class section with a business class ticket. She told the blonde that she would not be able to sit in that section, but the blonde refused to move. The blonde said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." The stewardess went to the head steward who went to the blonde lady and again asked her to move because she was sitting in the first class section and didn't belong there. Again the lady said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." Finally, in exasperation the stewards went to the pilot and explained the situation. He replied, "Oh, I can take care of that. My wife is a blonde." He went back and whispered to the blonde lady. She immediately got up and walked back to the business section. The others were curious to know how he got her to move. The pilot said, "Oh, it was simple. I just told her that the first class section wasn't going to New York." Life is a vicious circle !!! Success Is... At age 4 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants. At age 12 . . . success is . . . having friends. At age 16 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 20 . . . success is . . . having sex. At age 35 . . . success is . . . having money. At age 50 . . . success is . . . having money. At age 60 . . . success is . . . having sex. At age 70 . . . success is . . . having a drivers license. At age 75 . . . success is . . . having friends. At age 80 . . . success is . . . not peeing in your pants. How do you confuse an Irishman? - Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner. - What do you do if an Irishman throws a grenade at you? - Pull the pin out and throw it back. - Doctor, Doctor, my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? - Use a pencil. Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell? Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring! What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets. Duck A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay," and leaves. The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" "No." "Got any duck feed?" Shredder The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary asked. "Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?" News Stand A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
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