English Humour 2

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter:
"What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied:
"Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull'stesticles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said:
"What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied:
"I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said:
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied:
"Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see ME for two or three days?"
He cracked, "That would be fine with me!"
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling was down just enough that he could see her a little bit, out of the corner of his LEFT eye.

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman : "I know..."
First Woman : "How?"
Second Woman : "My dog told me."

Doctor, Doctor
I think I'm a cat?
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten I guess!

A son at college wrote his father:"No mon, no fun, your son".
The father answered:
"How sad, too bad, your dad".

Lunch

There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers working on top of a building.
It was lunch time and the Irishman opened his lunch pail, finding cabbage and beef.
"If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building," he says.
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito.
"If I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building," he says.
The blond man opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich.
"If I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch pail and found cabbage and beef, so he jumped off the building to his death.
Next, the Mexican opened his lunch pail, and upon finding a burrito he jumped off as well.
Finally, the blond guy opened his lunch pail and found a bologna sandwich. He too jumped off the building.
The next day at their funeral the Irishman's wife said,
"If only I knew that he didn't like cabbage and beef, I would surely have packed him something else."
The Mexican's wife said, "If only I knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else."
Finally, the blonde man's wife spoke.
"I don't know what his problem was. He packed his own lunch."

Teacher

A teacher asks her class,
"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies,
"None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"
The teacher replies,
"The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Johnny says
"I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied
"Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone"
To which Little Johnny replied,
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."